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Never broken

Hi my names Jason, I am now 50 years of age even though I do look 20 if I must say. I am just a regular lad from Liverpool born and bred. My mum was a cleaner and my dad a bin man from the most working class family you can get, a real family. We did not have much money but we had a lot of love. I lived in the states for the while as a young boy and returned to Liverpool when I was 11 to the factory years of the 80’s and returned to all my mates from school, picking up from where we left off.

"I'm a working-class person, working with class."
-Karl Lagerfeld

From around the age of 16 I was a working lad, going from working in Burton’s menswear to later getting my personal licence and working in the fabulous bars and clubs of Liverpool. Even though I was working in the clubs of Liverpool you can bet your life I was enjoying them 100%, which led to me working all over the country, meeting some amazing people and making some unforgettable memories. At this time in my life I was just a normal lad, living my life, fearless and around the scene fierce.

"Sometimes over things that I did, movies that didn't turn out very well - you go, 'Why did you do that?' But in the end, I can't regret them because I met amazing people. There was always something that was worth it."

-Robin Williams

My family where then and still are the most important thing to me. My oldest brother struggled through out his life with drugs and addiction, It was always clear to me that I had a big part to play in his life by just being there for him and supporting him as I could. You could say I was literally the man of the house, a role I loved and took to it with ease. I always think it came to me so easily because of my Mum’s Irish blood. My dad passed away over 19 years ago which lead to me having to go straight into the role of the carer for my mum, which I loved, being there for my mum and being her support system until around 2005 when things started to take a dark turn. At this time my mum was told she had bowel cancer, even though she had the all clear after her treatment her health was never the same and then finally she passed away in 2011.

"You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them."

-Desmond Tutu

A year later to the day, I had this most horrendous constant ringing noise in my ears which later I found out was tinnitus. During this I was still desperately grieving my mum, I started feeling like I could not explain what was going on with myself, I had an overcoming feeling of dread and to top all this off I tried to suppress it all and carry on with my life. I was still going into work and playing the part of the big life-loving Jason that everyone knew, however inside the voices were constant, I was always second guessing myself and that was around the time when the suicidal tendencies began. I remember wanting to jump in the Mersey or lie in the middle of Church street and just let people walk over me until it was all over!

I visited my local doctor around four times before they could finally understand and tell me that I had anxiety, when this was told to me I remember it being like it was nothing. There was no treatment given, no support just a leaflet and “get on with your life”. It was at this time I started to google anxiety and had the usual Dr Google scare that most do when they begin to self-diagnose. One of the first articles that came up on that search was “my anxiety held for 20 years” when I seen this a fire lit inside me and I had the strength to say to myself “No way! I am not living with this for the next 20 years”.

"Storms make trees take deeper roots."

-Dolly Parton

At this time I started looking for therapists. After around three therapists I finally found someone who started to make sense of it all and her name was Nicola Bird and the group was called little peace of mind. This was the story about her relationship with anxiety and what she had seen for herself which I also started to see. This is my aim for people to also one day see for themselves that anxiety is created through anxious thoughts and yes you might know that already however you need to remember thoughts are transient, we have 1000 thoughts a minute, one minute you are thinking about one thing and change to another. Just like when you have thought about needing a pint of milk, you don’t in that moment get up, and go the shop right away. This is the same with every thought in that they come and they go. I hope this helps with your own personal thinking. A thought will come and a thought will go. Always remember there is nothing wrong with you, you are not broken.

"A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles."
-Christopher Reeve

Right now it is 2021 and I am in a place I never dreamed I would be. I get up and take life as it is - a rollercoaster of ups and downs for every person every day, such is life itself, and underneath all this we carry on as that is what we are made to do and we are always OK. I myself am now heading towards being a wellbeing coach. I would love for you to know that you are always going to be OK and would love for you to see this yourself. If you would like to do more research please google Nicola Bird and Sydney Banks and please feel free to follow my Facebook page “just chatting about me innate wellbeing”.

"Never underestimate the power of dreams and the influence of the human spirit. We are all the same in this notion: The potential for greatness lives within each of us."

-Wilma Rudolph

All my love,

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Absolutely superb!

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