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Make or Break

Updated: Feb 27

An 8-year journey of hell. From the feelings of ruling the world in my teens, feeling loved, sharing my love and total happiness and freedom. To feelings of hatred and be-trail. Days of suicidal thoughts, it was a downward spiral of unhappiness, grief and unimaginable thoughts. It seemed for a long time that nothing was going right and everything was going wrong. From a very close friend and girlfriend be-trail to losing loved ones. I did not know how to snap out of it, I had empathy for everyone else but myself. I needed to find the empathy I shared for myself. No empathy came and the spiral begun, “I deserve these things that are going on”. You have made this happen. It was when I started to believe the thoughts that my mental health problems began to worsen. I decided to travel Asia and Australia with a close friend, I thought my brain would switch over and start to feel normal, what ever normal is. I thought I could become my happy old self, but as time went by, my thoughts began to get worse, full of self-hatred and not feeling good enough for anyone. I did not want to make friends as why would I when I did not see a point in living (a big part of what travelling is about) if I have to listen to myself 24/7 critically abusing myself.

It was confusing and nothing made sense because I was still able to work, play sports, engage with normal activities and go out to parties and social events with friends that I had over in Australia. Without those close friends I had who were also travelling, I believe I would not be here today. I did not want to make friends but the friends I had kept me going through the darkness in which I faced. However, I felt I was making their experience a living hell. Nothing got better, nothing seemed to be working and as I cried myself to sleep in the latter years of having depression, I really wanted to end it. It was was choice I felt between carrying on with the same thought processes which haunted me or to find an escape. However, for those who know me know that I am competitive and with that skill I kept challenging myself to get over the depression/negative thoughts myself.

One morning I woke and thought this is it I can’t go on, as I sat there crying, I phoned the doctors, this was my last hope in hell. As the doctors answered I felt like this was my last attempt of becoming me again. I said I need to see someone they replied, “we have no space today you can book for another day”. I built up the courage from somewhere inside and said, “I don’t think I will last another day”. A very kind woman gave up her lunch to see me, I went in and she prescribed me the strongest medication possible at the time. I remember walking into the pharmacy, handing over the prescription and crying on the floor. Depression has beaten my competitiveness. But what I realise now is that talking to someone was my strength, that was me winning. Ever since taking the medication my mind has slowly become a lot clearer and better for the good, to this day I feel the best I have for a very long time. With my experience I want you to know this... do not let your thoughts take over your life, know that they come and go, if it get’s worse seek attention, speak to someone, a friend, a doctor, all of these mental health awareness charities, do not suffer in silence.

From support I was able to share my story back in 2015 .....

"Hey guys of Facebook. The social media world. I just want to say that have had depression for a couple of years now, I have been trying to fight it by myself but I finally took myself to the doctors to seek help. I am currently taking medication one a day they have already made a big difference. Whilst being depressed it was like a voice inside my brain telling me that I didn't like anything or anyone, telling me that I wasn't worth anything and I may as well not be here. For someone who hasn't experienced depression, its very difficult for you to understand and ask questions "why can't you just be happy", be happy life is good. For me I knew these things and I want to be happy, but dealing with this voice in my brain all day everyday takes its toll. I thought to kill myself everyday. I honestly stood strong and fought the feeling because how amazing my family and friends are and what they mean to me. For someone to actually kill themselves in my circumstances they probably would believe that the people around them would be better off. This is for my friends and family that maybe feeling down in anyway or feel depressed and I just want to let you know that the doctors was the best thing I done and afterwards I was devastated but at the same time I haven't lost the battle, I am making things better for my life so I am technically winning and I wish I went the doctors years ago".

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